Sorry it's been so long!!

I know I have not posted anything in a while. Sorry to all of my friends who still read this.

Since my last post I have still been on and off with the fireman, kind of using him I guess even though we haven't actually slept together. I can't seem to cut him off completely cause he is so damn cute!!! Anyway as long as I'm not getting hurt right..right!!

So Caleb, another matter that I have recently had to deal with...My relationship with him has been a roller coaster..we go up and down with good days and bad ones. Kind of like we're "married with children" already. But this last week has topped the cake for me. So, where do I begin. Since he has been hounding me for what seems like years now about the fact that I don't cook, I started taking cooking classes. I feel like I have really made some headway in the kitchen. So much that I actually made Caleb dinner Sunday night. He said it was awesome!!! Linguini Puttanesca with asparagus, bread and salad. I really did make an impressive spread for someone who only took 4 cooking classes so far. I have to rewind a bit, I also went to a total of 4 different stores on 2 different occasions to help fix Caleb's cell phone, over the past 2 weeks. Just pointing out how much I have gone out of my way for him.

Ok, so Sunday, I pick him up (cause he got drunk with his buddies the night before and got a lift home so he did not have a car) bring him to my house, while he sleeps on my couch I cook, wake his ass up to eat, he says he loves my cooking, he goes back to sleep for a little and then asks me to drive him back home so he can do stuff..Weird, I say, "your not sleeping over?" He says no he can't he has too much to do. As I drive him home he says he will call me the next day (Monday) to make plans for the week...

Monday...nothing

Tuesday...nothing

Wednesday...nothing, so I finally call him and leave a message. I call again one more time before I go to bed. no answer.

Thursday...I call him in the morning and leave him a very confused / please call me back and tell me whats wrong voicemail.. nothing

So, come Thursday on my way home from work, I go to his house. He is there with some guy that's measuring the borders for his windows. (In case I never mentioned it before, he is remodeling his entire house and making another level and doing lots of shit to it) I ask him whats wrong and why he hasn't returned my calls, he says he has been busy, has a cold, and is really sick and is sorry. I say too busy to call ??? Even after my last voicemail. He says he never got it. Liar!!!! I checked his phone and I know he got it (yes, I know his password and made sure he got my message) I look at him with the most confused look on my face...He says repeatedly that he is really busy and asks me if he could call me later. I ask "why can't you talk to me now, I'm not looking for an hour of drama, just 5 minutes". He tells me again that he needs to call me later and that he can't stop what he was doing at that moment, I say "Well, I guess I don't have a choice, do I " and he says "I WILL CALL YOU LATER DEANA" with that snarky tone that is sooooooo condescending that it makes me want to poke his eyes out and punch him in the balls.

I leave and guess what, no phone call...

This guy has a set on him bigger than I ever imagined. BALLS THE SIZE OF ???

So I text him at 1251am (same night) cause I am so pissed off. This is what I wrote in a text:

Thanks for calling me back tonight and giving me a reason for your actions. Don't ever call me again! You have succeeded in acting like an asshole so now go fuck yourself.

No response, but I wasn't surprised. Since this was stirring up my insides all night and the next day and no response, I also sent him an email via match.com, since I know he is on it cause I got a stupid "guess I was right email" on that thing. Basically I told him I was off it and he told me he cancelled his subscription and well we were both still on it and then he emails me and says I should have been honest with him, when he was just as guilty as me.

Anyway, I wrote him this, on match.com:

So since you are on this and I know you check it, I wanted to make sure you got my text message last night, just in case you didn't read my text message to your cell phone at 1251am, October 17, 2008. You know the phone I helped you fix and wasted my time going to 3 different stores to get you a new battery so that YOU had a cell phone that worked. I guess it works now but not for me.
I came to your house twice, picked you up on Sunday, made dinner, and drove you home too...this is the thanks I get, not even a phone call..well the text was this:Thanks for calling me back tonight and giving me a reason for your actions (that would be ignoring me). Don't bother to call me now or ever again, you lost your chance with me. You have succeeded in acting like an asshole, immature as well cause you can't talk to me, so now go fuck yourself.
Deana

I think he will get the point now, and as far as for me..I'm ok. I needed closure and now I feel better. I didn't really want a boyfriend, well, I didn't really want HIM as a boyfriend. I really am starting to like my life, as a single "do what the fuck I want girl". I am really starting to enjoy being single and I am not sad at all about it. I guess I'm really growing up and realizing what kind of woman I am. I also am perfect, now that I can cook, I'm flawless LOL!!! That was the only gripe Caleb had with me and now he doesn't have shit. I feel really good about my life, I have no one to answer to, no one to tell me what to do or how to live my life, no one to hold me back from anything. I can fuck whoever I want whenever I want, pick up and go on any kind of vacation I want, drink when I want and the best part is no one can tell me different. I have absolutley no care in the world or any worries whatsoever. I love my life, I went from being lonely and sad sometimes to feeling free of any bullshit from anyone. I can honestly say I would not want to change a thing, I absolutely don't want a useless boyfriend or a nagging husband...forget about kids they are just NOT for me. I don't mind if I live my life this way till I die, I don't need anyone. I have alot of friends so I am never bored, I have a family that loves me, cousins that look up to me, and a brother who is always there for me, besides my friends. I have a good fucking job, no worries financially, and I am always going on vacation. Why would I complain.

Lesson of the day: For me, as long as I have good sex with no strings attached once in a while I am set for life, Men are only "needed when needed". I have become a dude !!!! With boobs of course!!!

A recap of my weekend!!

So Thursday (When I was supposed to have "the talk about a commitment and not a committed penis...") came and went. No text, email, phone call, smoke signal or carrier pigeon occurred on Thursday. I was pissed, but surprisingly enough not as mad as I usually get or have gotten in the past. Maybe because I was planning on breaking off things with him anyway..who knows. But what did PISS me off was the text I got come Friday afternoon. He had the cajones to text me "Hey stranger" and thats it. What the fuck is that about ??? He stands me up and now I'M the stranger??? The more I date, I swear, the more confusing guys are to me. Then come Friday night I get a voicemail (cause I refuse to answer the phone for him) and he is like "whats going on???, I want to make plans with you...give me call...and some bullshit in between the bullshit. I ignore. Come Saturday he calls again, yep another voicemail. Now he is like I don't know if your mad at me but please give me a call I want to see whats going on....yadda yadda yadda. Now I have my balls twisted and I decide to write him an email through match. This is what I wrote:

Jason,
"These days I just find it easier to write my feelings rather than over the phone or in person. I have not answered my phone basically because I don't feel as though we are looking for the same things. We had 2 really good dates but after the third date I feel as though you are only looking for sex or some kind of booty call. I want to get to know you, as a person, because I like you, a lot, which is why I don't want to see You only for sex. Don't get me wrong I don't regret anything and your probably one of the best kissers I have ever met, but I am looking for something, whatever that may mean, a relationship, etc. Your a fireman and I'm sure you meet a lot of girls who want to sleep with you, but I am not looking for that. I also don't appreciate making plans with you and then you standing me up. My time is valuable to me and when you do something like that it shows how you really feel. If I am wrong let me know, if I am right, no hard feelings and good luck with match and finding someone out there, it is tough to find someone nice these days. " (yeah I through in the nice part just to make him realize what he is missing and that I am a nice person whom he chose to be a dick to)

Jason wrote back and said:

"I want you to know I am not looking for a booty call and I definalty dont want a girl who likes me just because I am a fireman. I am looking for something more substanial than that. As for breaking plans I am sorry. My life is a little crazy. I dont work a 9-5 schedule and have things that come up. Usually tyring to help a freind at work. I like you. I think your a very intersting and fun and have a lot of the quailties that I am looking for. I didnt want the last time we were together to be about sex. Sorry if it came off that way. I hated running out that night but if you saw and smelled what I had to deal with when i got home you would understand! haha. I would like to still see you and we can slow things down a little if need be. I still need to get you out on that bike a little. Hopefully you'll givve me a chance to. Again I'm sorry if you feel that you wasted your time or actually I wasted your time. Hopefully you will forgive me and we can see each other again. Jason"

I wrote back that I would think about it and that he needs not to explain about how BUSY he is with his stupid job, I said you don't have to tell me, my job is just as crazy as yours if not crazier. I had to throw that in, cause I'll be damned if a fireman tells me his job is CRAZIER than a big bad FBI AGENT such as myself.... He He !! So this email thing happened on Sunday (yesterday). I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

Now as far as the other phone call I got on Wednesday from Yankee boy who wants my forgiveness as well... He really needs a kick in his ass. I told him the same thing, that I would think about it and would call him Thursday. I did call and he answered and told me he would call me right back. He never did. I text him later that night that for someone who wanted a second chance he really doesn't act like it. He finally text me the next morning at like 7am (Friday, the day I had my doctor's apt.) Apologizing again about how it was 9-11 and he got drunk and his phone sucks and oh yeah the dog ate his homework and his grandmother died !!! I don't get guys ??? They really don't have a clue what "trying" means to us girls. "Trying" for them is like...well at least I called the next day to explain...."Trying" to us means call when you say your gonna call and if your phone sucks get a new one or call from a hardline....Don't come up with the excuses if you are really trying hard to win me back and get a second chance!!! So after a few texts back and forth he says I'm sorry again another 5 times or so and says he wants to make plans for Sunday. Guess what...Sunday came and went and no phone call or text. I'm done with that nonsense. No more answering the phone for a douche, once a douche always a douche!!!

So now that leaves me with Caleb. Yes he is sort of back and we have had alot of talks hashing out all the things that bothered me about him. Friday he offerred to take me to the doctor, but my brother took me instead. Come Friday night he asked me if I needed anything, I said no and then he asked if he could take me out to get dinner. (I was surprised and pleased at the same time, the way he asked if he could take me out..) He also asked me to go out with his friends to Montauk Saturday night till Sunday, but I couldn't. But while he was there I got the phone call at midnight where all his friends got on the phone and told me that I should be there and that Caleb misses me :) Caleb also got on the phone himself and said he missed me and that he wished I could sleep next to him that night. Yeah I know how cute... (I think I even threw up in my mouth a little) Then he asked me to come to his uncle's going away dinner Sunday. His uncle (whom I have met before) is moving to South Carolina and his mom and grandmother and family would be there and they asked for me to come. (I just threw up again) So I went and it was very nice. Once again I felt like part of the family and his grandmother is so sweet to me. It's also weird cause I feel like we are GF and BF, but we're not, but when I'm with him it always feels that way. I also asked him if he was going to turn into a douche again once I started to like him again? He said no of course not, he answered that he has a better grasp on his time managment skills and that he was going to be different with me this time around. He also said that he likes spending time with me and always wants to spend his free time with me.... I do feel as though I am starting to like him like I used to, but I will continue to proceed with caution....baby steps and we will just see what happens I guess. It's just nice to spend time with someone who I know likes spending time with me and him telling me more than once that he respects me...means so much these days. No other guy match or otherwise has told me that...forget about showing it I haven't had a guy actually showed me he respected me since Brent, and that was only in the beginning. So even though I am unsure, I still feel that if I'm choosing to spend my time with someone who has SHOWED me he cares, its not a loss either way. I do like Caleb I always have. Braids said she feels as though Caleb is like my Mr. BIG... I can see that !!!

It's 830 pm and I thought I had a date with the fireman.

Ok so for all of you (I really mean the 2 of you) who have read my last post, I really like this guy from Match who is a Fireman. Right off the bat I should proceed with caution. But I like him with clothes and without. I like that he rides and wears those cute black and white All Star sneakers. I like that he is single with no baggage (divorced but no baggage). I like that he can hold a conversation and can FIX things...Ahh yes a man that can use his hands !!! Well on Sat I texted him asking when he was free to do something. He said maybe Monday (I know I know I got the maybe thing from him) so I said ok let me know. Its Monday and I am going to quote my phone:
4:05pm "Whats up hotness?"
I say "not much got home from work a little while ago"
4:17pm "Not much workin. Might grab a bottle of wine at home later if your interested. Call you when I get home to let you know for sure"
I say "ok let me know, wow I get to finally C ur place, but only as long as you take the garbage out" (a personal stupid joke I had with him the last time I saw him)
4:21pm "Already done so I won't have that inturrupt our night" (Now that's 2 idiots that can't spell the same word, him and Caleb !! What a buffoon)
I say "good"
So now its 830pm and he just called. He basically said he got home from work late and is exhausted. But doesn't have work tomorrow. So I say as he yawns in my hear 3 times now, I take it you want to cancel. So he says yeah I'm sorry but what are your doing Thursday ? I say I'm not sure (I have Nothing to do ever EVEN!) So he says if your free lets do something then. I say I have a doctors appointment on...wait no that's Friday...yeah I'm free Thursday. (I only said it like this so it does look like I actually have things going on sometimes) So he says, oh ok whats wrong that your going to the doctor. I say he is going to stick a camera down my throat to see whats wrong with my stomach Friday morning. (this is true Friday 7am I am going under and a tube with a camera will slide down my esophagus..oh boy can't wait) So he says oh that sucks. He starts trying to tell me things that might upset my stomach like not to drink Pop (that's Soda for us common folk) or Coffee. (Ok I know that genius!!! Your not a doctor the one I'm going to see Friday is!!) Then I start to make conversation and tell him about my day with the naked porn freak and that I woke up at 330am this morning. I also added in that I should go to bed anyway and catch up on sleep, and it was like he really wasn't listening. I am getting the feeling that he is not interested in ME. Why would anyone not be interested in ME? I am not sure but the "BOOK" says to trust my gut..and I believe this guy only wants one thing and that's not getting to know ME or my mom, gay brother, or my eccentric grandmother. He doesn't care if I'm liberal or if I wear mens underwear to bed or if I would accept and approve the marriage between Poops and Norman. I don't think he ever asked me anything personal besides our first date. I mean I don't ask him mega questions either, but I think I'm obvious that I want to get to know HIM better. Plus, it has not been an appropriate time to talk about our lives or stuff like that, lets see we bowled the second night and well the last time we didn't say a whole lot to each other cause our lips were glued together.

So, here is my game plan:
Not calling him at all. Come Thursday if and when he texts me or calls I will suggest we go out, like for dinner or somewhere we could hold a conversation. If he is like just come over and lets drink wine.. I am going to go over there and simply tell him in person that I am "just not that into" this kind of relationship..I am looking for more which is why I specifically said in my profile that I am looking for someone who wants a commitment !!! Not a committed penis to my vagina on HIS time schedule. So what do you think girls??? I know I could say this over the phone but I want to have the chance to see his face and read his reaction better. Only cause I do like him alot. But only if the "like" is reciprocated. I am going to go to bed now and try to catch up on some sleep. I guess its me and Mr. Vino for the rest of the evening.

Another bad date!!!

I know its been a while since I last wrote, around a month actually. I have had one date since my last post about a date, a fireman, whom I like very much but doesn't call enough, text enough, or make plans enough. (or should I say Even!!) Anyway 3 dates with the fireman and I have realized that he is of course attracted to me but I don't know if I have the potential in his mind to be a girlfriend. Of course he should be looking for a relationship since he is on match...duh!!! but I don't get that feeling for some reason. I just hate the fact that the ones I have dated that I liked (which was only 2 so far) have either been caught at a bar kissing another girl, or this guy who is showing the signs of "he is just not that into me". I hate dating I have quoted Charlotte from Sex and the City so many times: "I am in my thirties and have been dating for at least 15 years and I am exhausted !!! I am so tired of dating, where is HE already????" I know I know I am still young and shouldn't be thinking that way, but I do.

So as far as the date tonight...where should I start. He looked (once again) nothing like his pics. He looked like a meathead, a guy who spends all day in the gym and doesn't know how to be himself. He was a big guy with a really bad hair cut, it was all pushed up on one side and the other was smushed in like he was just sleeping in a papoose!!! He had a muscle T-shirt on with jeans and was just NOT MY TYPE. When he asked me what I did I tried to explain ICE and what a federal agent was. He apparently has only seen movies about the FBI cause he couldn't understand the difference between FBI and well ALL the other federal agencies there are in existence. So when I said ICE, or Customs he said "oh yeah Customs...so can you smuggle some drugs for me ha ha huh" I hate when people say that and think its funny. Then 5 min later he asked if I carried a gun, when I said yes he said " Oh yeah thats right FBI agents carry guns" so I corrected him again !!! Finally he said something about his friend who is a cop and told me that he would not have met up with me tonight if I were a cop because "all cops sleep with everyone, they are all fucking everybody" I had to correct him again and now I used as an example my girlfriend who is a long island cop and explained that not all girls who are cops fuck everyone. Then another 5 min later he referred to me as some big bad FBI fed girl who has alot of tattoos and who he pictured riding a motorcycle, but I was cute to his standards. I did not correct him this time because now I was thinking about how to bail as soon as possible!!! Then (yes it gets better) he starts to talk about how he goes to the gym alot (what a shocker) and then starts to show me how he can flex his chest muscles. So I of course tell him how I'm not impressed because I could do the same thing. He says "no way, no you can't, I don't believe you".
I hate being dared cause now I have to prove it. So I flex my chest muscles the way I know how too with no effort on my part. He is stunned, almost falls of his chair and says "Oh my god I have never seen a girl do that ever in my life, it figures an FBI agent could do that!!! Can you do that again...and by the way do you have an Adam's apple?? Cause only a guy could do that, not a girl, I swear I have never seen a girl do that ever before, no way is that possible!!!" So now I am an FBI agent who is a drag queen, a girl with balls..I am really A MAN BABY!!!

This guy was serious and I couldn't believe he really wanted to know if I was really a dude. So this date ended shortly thereafter, with a comment that he figured I drove a truck...cause I am really a dude..with nice cleavage...yes, I forgot, he really said that too. Bad date number something and I am so fucking frustrated its getting sad and hopeless. I hope my prince charming is out there somewhere?? Who knows maybe I am a dude deep down with boobs. Just kidding I am going to finish my thought on dating tomorrow.

My ex's are getting married!!!

So for all of you who are still readers of my BLOG, I found out something today. One of my dearest ex's, whom I still love in a some way shape or form, and who has also been one of my best friends for the past...oh I dunno...8 years...is FUCKING MARRIED!!!!

He has helped through break up after break up...been there for me through thick and thin...helped me through my FLETC heartbreak (this would be the guy I thought I fell in love with while I was at the academy in Georgia), helped me when I needed a friend at the doctor, helped me when I needed a friend to drive me to the hospital, helped me when I had girl gyno questions (cause his dad is a gynecologist), helped through my break up with Brent and helped me move into my new apartment..even helped me buy HIS OWN truck.. The one I have now, my trailblazer was his. I am so sad, happy for him, sad for me, depressed and defeated... I feel everything all at once. I don't know what else to write about, he got engaged on a Wednesday and Married in City Hall on Friday...and NO his wife is not preggo!!!! Thats what I thought too!!! I am going to go take a long hot bath and sulk with a bottle of wine tonight!!!

All my once single girlfriends are either: married, getting married, or pregnant, and now my single guy friends are no longer single either. He was the only guy friend of mine that has lasted throughout the years and has always been there for me through EVERYTHING...well his picture is off my fridge and now the only guy left up on my fridge is my brother.

J, this is just crazy but I guess long overdue, he was the guy who always said "word up DIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKK".... You know who!!!

GEEK BOY is a CRIMINAL!!!!

I had the absolute worst weekend of my single life, this past weekend. First is Friday, seeing Yankee boy swap spit with some old ugly chic...CAUGHT!!! Then comes Saturday, I get a phone call from GEEK Boy (who still thinks I'm in Georgia in training..dumb fuck) and so since I was bored at home alone I answer. We chit chat about nonsense, he says how is Georgia, I say its hot, he says how is the training going, I say its boring and did I say its very hot down here!!! Then the conversation takes another direction, he asks me what I would consider a "deal breaker" in the dating world for me. I thought he was just making conversation so I say "Oh, I dunno the usual things....if your married, have kids, lie, or if you have been arrested..." So he gets very quiet and says "are those things really deal breakers for you" I say of course they are, are you crazy...wait a minute...why....are you fucking married!" He says no that's not it at all, I say you fucking have kids...I knew it!!!! He says no no I swear that's not it. So I'm like WTF???? Were you ever arrested??? He says...YES. (OK I am still wondering why this is big deal) So I say "what did you get caught with weed or something when you were 15 or something." He says "well not really but I did get arrested for possession". So I am still asking questions "what.. possession of weed in high school??" He says not exactly....

(This needs a new paragraph..) He says "I was arrested in Miami at the airport for bringing cocaine into the country from Haiti" Is there a moment of silence by my readers yet!!!!!

I need a moment...... Yes he said what I thought he said, I had to have him repeat this a few times. I was...well...I COULDN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!! He had the nerve to still ask me if this was still a deal breaker for me. My response was as follows"

"YES ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY this is a deal breaker, are you kidding, you made a conscious decision to bring drugs into this country and you were in your God Damn twenties, not 15, I am shocked you told me but I am glad you did, I can't believe this, please don't call me again we are done...done...do you hear me done!!!!!"

He still kept asking me if I could re consider, I said NO and because of my job you have to understand I CANNOT even associate with you...Please leave me alone and don't call me again.

Can you believe that girls???? Only me, only I would meet a narcotics smuggler on fucking Match...I need to complain to Dr. Phil.... I still think I have the worst luck.

As far as Apollo, the stripper with feelings, come Sunday afternoon (we had dinner plans on Sunday night) he bails on me and tells me yet again how sick his mom is and how he is dealing with alot and how sorry he is. Maybe Apollo is not sorry he is just another fucking liar like the rest of them. I am angry and appalled at the guys I am meeting on match. I will still keep trying and pray I don't meet another loser or better yet another fucking criminal.

Also, since Friday I have spoken to Yankee boy who manned up and apologized, we didn't have a committment to one another so I might give him another chance. We will see. I just didn't like that he didn't call me Friday to tell me he had "other plans" which he fessed up to and told me he was sorry he wasn't honest with me. But I still get some shady feeling about him. I think I am just very skepitcal of guys that I meet on Match now and my expectations have been shot to shit. Life goes on...I guess..

Friday night!!!

Well for those of you who still read this, I was very disappointed n the guy I happened to like and went to Baltimore with. I had a work going away party in Bayside Queens and as I walked into this bar, Yankee boy was there on a date with a very unattractive female. I was dumbfounded and upset and when I saw the 2 of them make out right in front of me, I was hurt and only because I was surrounded by 20 of my co workers (all men except for Braids) I didn't cry. I hate feeling like I'm on the top of the world, fuck even poops is feeling like that too, and then getting knocked right the fuck off. I am really sad today. Of all the fucking bars in New York, he had to pick the same one I was going to and be there kissing a girl. Yes he saw me cause I got a text from him soon after he left. He said he saw me and wanted to talk, I wrote back about what??? His next text was "we are dating correct but I'm only sleeping with you" So I wrote back that I did not believe that and that we were done. So he texted back 3 times that he wanted to talk and then called me the next morning. I didn't answer cause I was sleeping, which I have been doing all day, and then I called him back about an hour ago. He didn't answer so I left a message. We will see if he calls again. I'm not sure why I care but I do. I am not feeling very Samantha today !!! Sorry girls.